Having a colicky baby, I’ve spent many an hour reading things online about how to cope and have come across many different types of websites and groups of people and their differing opinions on what is best for baby. This extends far beyond just colicky babies, but all babies and the choices their parents make regarding how to raise them. After coming across The Fussy Baby & Colic Forum and seeing that I’m not alone in my views (or lack thereof) on parenting, I feel the need to get this off of my chest. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who can relate.

Lately I’ve become quite sick of hearing everybody’s opinions on what constitutes good parenting – breastfeeding is best, tend to your baby at any hint of discomfort, etc. People fail to realise that we all make choices and the choices that might be good for one set of parents in one particular situation might not exactly be good for another set of parents in a completely different situation.

I had no ideas how I wanted to parent before my baby was born. Truthfully, I had no idea that there were different forms of parenting. Only after lurking around a few message boards and websites were my eyes opened to the world of parenthood based on how someone/something else – some doctor, some book, some website, some wacky theory – tells you is the best way to parent. Whatever happened to doing what you feel is best for yourself and your family in your unique situation? Why must you subscribe to one set of rules and not be allowed to adopt from another? Or why can’t you just do your own thing based on what works for you? We’ve all seen the phrase “mother knows best,” and I know that just because you’re a mother does not mean you necessarily know what is best for your child (maybe you lack certain resources or education to really know or understand what is best), but if somebody wants to raise their child with whatever set of rules they see fit, why does everyone else feel the need to comment? Everybody is constantly trying to make themselves look superior to everyone else and I’m not exactly sure why this is. Does it really matter to you how someone else raises their child? Does it really affect you? Or is this some sort of political agenda you’re trying to push? It’s the same thing with conservatives believing that the state should get involved in personal matters and make abortions illegal or Christians pushing their religious views on everyone else, claiming that those who do not follow them are doomed for an afterlife in hell. Why can’t people do what they want to do – raise their children how they want to raise them – without everyone else’s two cents?

When it comes to parenting, I’m a go-with-the-flow kind of person who does things based more on what I feel is right rather than what a bunch of crunchy parenting books say is most natural and therefore the only “right” way. I never really knew much about alternative parenting styles (just as I didn’t know much of anything about parenting styles in general), but the more I read about these topics or the more I hear them being talked about by people who practice them, the more I’m turned off by them. I see nothing wrong with breastfeeding, co-sleeping and carrying your baby around in a sling (I do, however, have a problem with people not vaccinating their children), but once you cross that line and begin implying that this is the ONLY good and right way to parent, I’m done listening.

I walk through the airport with my baby in a sling. Does that make me superior to somebody who chooses to walk through the airport with their kid in a stroller? No. I bottlefed my kid on the airplane so does that make me inferior to those who might have breastfed? No. I’m just doing what works for my family. I’m not going to criticise somebody using a sling or a stroller, feeding from a bottle or whipping a boob out in public. If that’s the way you want to do things, have at it! I’m in no position to tell you otherwise.

I’ll be the first to admit that when I saw the negatives of breastfeeding beginning to outweigh the positives, I was devastated. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty details here, but breastfeeding just did not work for my son and I. My milk supply was low, he had a terrible time staying latched on and when I decided to pump exclusively, I felt as thought I was tied to the thing, causing me to lose time when I could have been bonding with my son. When the demand really started to outgrow the supply is when my husband and I decided that this wasn’t the right route for us. I felt so guilty at first because I was not providing my son with the best possible, most natural, most nutritious, most right option, but now I see how much of a blessing in disguise this decision has become. Had I still been breastfeeding, those few days my husband is home and available to take care of the baby, I would still have 100% of the feeding work on my shoulders alone. Normally this would be no problem (and is why I had no problem with it going into motherhood), but when you’re dealing with postpartum depression, a colicky baby and an airline pilot husband who is away for 3,4 sometimes 5 days at a time, those few days when he is home and able to take care of the baby are like gold. Having him help by taking over all of the feedings for a few days after he comes home and before he leaves for a trip are what allows me to keep my sanity. I don’t know where I would have been today if that burden were on myself alone.

And why should I feel guilty for making my baby “cry it out” at bedtime or times when he simply won’t take a nap? In principle, this method seems pretty nasty. After all, who wants to just leave their baby cry? I know I don’t. But when your baby spends more hours crying during the day than not, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. If holding, rocking, bouncing you baby aren’t enough to comfort him during the day, how is that going to change at bedtime? What happens when the bouncing and rocking work and your baby falls asleep, but then when you place him in his crib, he starts to cry again? Now what are you to do? Start all over and pick him back up, hoping that if he falls asleep this time, he won’t wake up when you put him in his crib? In my situation, this does not work. My son may cry for a half hour to an hour before he falls asleep, but he sleeps 12-14 hours a night. In my opinion, that isn’t so bad. Do I wish he could just go to bed without crying or wish that I could comfort him enough for him to fall asleep, thus allowing me to put him to bed? Of course. The reality of it is, though, that this does not work for us and I refuse to feel guilty for subjecting my son to what some people may call torture.

I do what is right and what works for me and my family. I refuse to subscribe to one set of rules just because somebody else says that’s the only way things can or should be. It just really bothers me when people have to push their ideas of what a good parent is onto other people. If you were a good parent, you would respect the parenting choices of others, taking into consideration the fact that everybody comes from a different background and different circumstances. It’s perfectly fine to educate and inform, but once you begin pushing your views on me, I’m turning my back and walking the opposite direction. I’m not stupid because I decided to quit breastfeeding, I’m not stupid because I started my kid on solids at 4 months and I’m not stupid because I let him cry himself to sleep at night. I may not be happy about all of these things, but they are what work for me so I’m going to continue doing them and tackling any other parenting choices the same way as I’ve been doing – I’m just going to do what works. If that takes some trial and error, then so be it. I’m not going to do something just because someone else says it’s the only right way.